Conundrum

Sometimes, life moves along splendidly, allowing you to settle in, and kind of take a breather. It has never been my experience that these breather moments last too long. Something ALWAYS happens that puts me in a state again. If something talked, it would sound something like this: "you think you are soooo cool, trying to get a handle on your life. How dare you try to figure things out. Life wasn't meant to run smoothly!! Have you ever thought about this???"


Here's the thing. Approximately one month ago, I left a job that I loved loved loved. The work was interesting, but what intrigued me more was the people I got to work with. Smart, brilliant, lovely people. My contract ended for that job, and I was distraught. "How could this be ending so soon" I thought, "I'm not done learning here yet". But end it did.


Then I got another job. And I love it too. I love all the things I get to be involved in, and I love the people I get to work with. This job is putting me right smack dab in the centre of my community, and not much, I've discovered, is better than that. I miss the people I used to work with, but I don't miss the work I used to do. That kind of makes me think that maybe I was done learning at my old job, but I just didn't want to let go of the idea of being surrounded by so much brilliance.


In addition, I've also recently started another job, which I like, but I think might grow to love. This is adding to the problem.


Today my boss asked me if I would be interested in increasing my hours, "yes!" I said, "of course!!". So depending on the increase in hours, my week is going to start to be pretty damn full.


ONE hour after my boss asks me this, I get an email from one of the aforementioned brilliant people I used to work with. "Would you be interested", it said, "in potentially job sharing with me? Two days a week?" And in those two days a week, I would be making a whole lotta money.


The problem is, I can't do it all.


Break.


I also....want to be a writer. I've spent the last several years trying to convince myself that that is a dumb idea, and I'm not good enough, I can't make any money, yada yada yada, so I always push it away. But it still kept popping into my brain. "ever since you were in grade 4, and you wrote your first story, you've wanted to do it....why can't you at least try??"

So this year, I told myself, Okay, I'll try. If only to stop me from having this same argument with myself year after bloody year. So now that I"ve decided this, it consumes a lot of my free thinking time. An amount of time that is bordering on ridiculous. I want a room, with a desk, with books scattered everywhere, with maps on the wall, a huge globe, and pictures of my family and friends, and I want to write.


But I know for a fact, that if I decide to yes, take this job share, that I won't do it. I just won't. The job share job will take up a huge amount of my free time, and I will be stressed about it. It will consume days, and it will consume nights. I will dread going in some days because all I'll want to do is stay home in my comfy pants, and a write a lovely story. So why would I take it? That's the conundrum. I need some stones to drop on a scale.


On the one hand, there is the money. God knows I need money, and I could buy a lot more shoes. And clothes. And there are the brilliant people again...I would be surrounded by them, learning from them. Plus, can I ever really be a successful writer?


On the other hand. Money smoney. That is the worst reason to take a job ever, and I'm not that motivated by shoes and clothes. Sure I"d like more, but when it comes right down to it, I don't care about them that much. And I would love to be surrounded by those people again, but maybe the time has come that being surrounded by them in a work capacity is just not meant to be. Perhaps I can learn from them by eating lunch with them on occasion. And maybe I can be a successful writer, if I really do try.


I have this thing about moving backwards in life. If I have been there, done that, I don't usually want to go there, and do that again (this applies only to certain situations). I also have an odd relationship with fate. What's meant to be is meant to be. Lord knows my mother has drilled that into my head enough. "Everything will work out the way it's supposed too". Every time she says it, I just want to roll my eyes, and be like 'yesss, but what if??" The thing is....things always have worked out. But I can't decide if things work out because they were meant too, or if life just has a pay it forward thing going on. I generally try and be the most decent human being I can, and sometimes I think things that go my way are just the result of the universe's appreciation that I'm a kind individual. Or maybe that is ridiculous. I don't know.


Anyway, that is the conundrum. I have approximately 3 days to make a decision on this. I honestly just don't know what to do.