My Eternal Question

I'm at a bit of a crossroads right now. I've mentioned before this whole stuck feeling, and it is still driving me crazy.

I've been thinking lately about settling, and at what point a person should give up on their dreams. Here's the thing-there is this job coming up that everybody thinks I should apply for. It's full time, 9 to 5, doing communications, which is what I went to school for. I think I would have a fair chance of getting it. It would be an okay job. The pay is good and there are even benefits (omg, benefits!). But still, I waffle. I mean, this is clearly all hypothetical at this point, because I don't have the job, but I just can't help thinking, "what if". If I did apply for this job, and I got it, I would have to put all my plans on the back burner. On the one hand, I think I would be settling.

Is it irresponsible of me, to say "to hell with benefits, and large gobs of money, I want to work with dogs for a living. I want to travel, see the world, and I want to write about it." Would it be more adult, more responsible of me to just say, "Yes. I need to buy a house, get married, settle down. Save enough money for retirement. That'll be enough. You can travel when you retire".

But. I don't want to be 80 years old, staring out the window, thinking of all the things I could have done, but didn't.

The money for this job is extremely good, and everything I want to do costs money. More money than I have now, and more money then I could ever make at this job. So, I think to myself, perhaps it would be wise to really try for this job, and just save money. But then I fear I would become stuck and comfortable.

I just don't know you guys. Life is short. There's a big world out there, and while I've seen a lot, there is still so much more.

Maybe I'm making it too big a deal, being slightly too dramatic. I just can't seem to figure out at what point do I stop dreaming so large. A big part of me says never, but there is a little part in there that is just saying, settle down already. I love where I live, but I don't want to be stuck here. I can't be stuck here.

I dwell on these things so much, that everything gets all tangled. Responsible me and daydreamy me are duking this one out, but no one's winning yet. Sometimes, I really wish I could turn off my head.

I meant for today to be a New York post, but that'll have to wait until Monday or Tuesday. My computer at home is trying to kill me with it's slowness. I have no idea what is wrong with it, but I sure can't afford a new one. wamp wamp.

I hope I don't sound whiny or anything in this post, I just honestly dwell on things way to much, and it is nice to put it out there once in a while.

On a completely random note, how great was Glee last night?? So many lines made me laugh hysterically.

"She's the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker."

"Okay. I'm just gonna come out and say it. This is a singing competition. I don't know how those deaf kids got in. They weren't singing, they were like honking and everyone was crying and I was like, "Get off the stage. You're terrible and you're making me super uncomfortable."

"You'll be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club and finding a hairstyle that doesn't look like a lesbian."

Bwahaha. It's like the only show I never miss.

Anyways. This is the last quarter life crisis post I'll write for a while. Back to puppies and travel stories!

Being 20-something

I remember when I was younger, 20 seemed so old. It was always like "I will never be that old..that's ancient". I guess most kids think that way. Not only does 20 seem like such a big number, but usually that person is significally larger than you in every way, so it just makes the difference seem that much more obvious.



But here I am. 24 years old. And I don't feel old. I feel like I have so much life still ahead of me it's crazy. Sometimes I think of all the things I have yet to do with my life, and I get so excited I can barely contain myself. I'm still little. I still feel pretty little most of the time.



My 20s so far has been the most eye opening, gut wretching, soul searching, wonderful time of my life. I feel like I am so much smarter about things. Being in my 20s has taught me the importance of friendships, and what real friendship actually is. It has taught me the importance of needing to let go sometimes. Things don't always come easy. Effort is often required. It's one thing to be easy going, but another thing to just not give a shit. And one must always give a shit. I've learned about unconditional love. I've learned about conditional love. I've learned my family is the most important thing in the world to me, and without them, I would be nothing.



The last three years have been spent learning all this. Taking it in. And I wouldn't have had it any other way, because all of these experiences and lessons learnt, are helping me to find out who I actually am. And every day, new lessons are presented to me. And I've realized lately, that it is okay to be selfish right now. It is okay to make this all about me. I need to figure out how to be the best possible person I can be, and the I can concentrate on being the best possible wife, mother, etc, I can be. It all comes in time.



Sometimes I question myself constantly-why do I question myself constantly? Why can I never be satisfied with anything, not truly? Why am I always searching? Wanting to move...fiddling and fidgeting, and wanting to be somewhere other than here? I feel like right now...like in the last week, I have started to learn how to calm myself. I do all this because I am still searching for a place where I fit in, and where I can be happy in my life. If I were to settle, I could never be truly happy, and that would have a ripple effect on everyone who ever entered my life.



I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but my thoughts have been consumed with ramblings of these sorts for the last couple of days. I feel like I"m on the edge of a breakthrough though. After years of question and prodding, and thinking, "Is this right, is this what I should be doing?", I"m finally starting to get there. I'm not saying I"m anywhere close to completely figuring it out, but I can feel myself starting to get there slowly. And that's what being in your 20s is all about. Figuring yourself out. At least that's what it has been for me. And I still have so far to go.