Sunday, February 17, 2008

Being 20-something

I remember when I was younger, 20 seemed so old. It was always like "I will never be that old..that's ancient". I guess most kids think that way. Not only does 20 seem like such a big number, but usually that person is significally larger than you in every way, so it just makes the difference seem that much more obvious.

But here I am. 24 years old. And I don't feel old. I feel like I have so much life still ahead of me it's crazy. Sometimes I think of all the things I have yet to do with my life, and I get so excited I can barely contain myself. I'm still little. I still feel pretty little most of the time.

My 20s so far has been the most eye opening, gut wretching, soul searching, wonderful time of my life. I feel like I am so much smarter about things. Being in my 20s has taught me the importance of friendships, and what real friendship actually is. It has taught me the importance of needing to let go sometimes. Things don't always come easy. Effort is often required. It's one thing to be easy going, but another thing to just not give a shit. And one must always give a shit. I've learned about unconditional love. I've learned about conditional love. I've learned my family is the most important thing in the world to me, and without them, I would be nothing.

The last three years have been spent learning all this. Taking it in. And I wouldn't have had it any other way, because all of these experiences and lessons learnt, are helping me to find out who I actually am. And every day, new lessons are presented to me. And I've realized lately, that it is okay to be selfish right now. It is okay to make this all about me. I need to figure out how to be the best possible person I can be, and the I can concentrate on being the best possible wife, mother, etc, I can be. It all comes in time.

Sometimes I question myself constantly-why do I question myself constantly? Why can I never be satisfied with anything, not truly? Why am I always searching? Wanting to move...fiddling and fidgeting, and wanting to be somewhere other than here? I feel like right in the last week, I have started to learn how to calm myself. I do all this because I am still searching for a place where I fit in, and where I can be happy in my life. If I were to settle, I could never be truly happy, and that would have a ripple effect on everyone who ever entered my life.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but my thoughts have been consumed with ramblings of these sorts for the last couple of days. I feel like I"m on the edge of a breakthrough though. After years of question and prodding, and thinking, "Is this right, is this what I should be doing?", I"m finally starting to get there. I'm not saying I"m anywhere close to completely figuring it out, but I can feel myself starting to get there slowly. And that's what being in your 20s is all about. Figuring yourself out. At least that's what it has been for me. And I still have so far to go.

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