Thursday, December 10, 2009

My Eternal Question

I'm at a bit of a crossroads right now. I've mentioned before this whole stuck feeling, and it is still driving me crazy.

I've been thinking lately about settling, and at what point a person should give up on their dreams. Here's the thing-there is this job coming up that everybody thinks I should apply for. It's full time, 9 to 5, doing communications, which is what I went to school for. I think I would have a fair chance of getting it. It would be an okay job. The pay is good and there are even benefits (omg, benefits!). But still, I waffle. I mean, this is clearly all hypothetical at this point, because I don't have the job, but I just can't help thinking, "what if". If I did apply for this job, and I got it, I would have to put all my plans on the back burner. On the one hand, I think I would be settling.

Is it irresponsible of me, to say "to hell with benefits, and large gobs of money, I want to work with dogs for a living. I want to travel, see the world, and I want to write about it." Would it be more adult, more responsible of me to just say, "Yes. I need to buy a house, get married, settle down. Save enough money for retirement. That'll be enough. You can travel when you retire".

But. I don't want to be 80 years old, staring out the window, thinking of all the things I could have done, but didn't.

The money for this job is extremely good, and everything I want to do costs money. More money than I have now, and more money then I could ever make at this job. So, I think to myself, perhaps it would be wise to really try for this job, and just save money. But then I fear I would become stuck and comfortable.

I just don't know you guys. Life is short. There's a big world out there, and while I've seen a lot, there is still so much more.

Maybe I'm making it too big a deal, being slightly too dramatic. I just can't seem to figure out at what point do I stop dreaming so large. A big part of me says never, but there is a little part in there that is just saying, settle down already. I love where I live, but I don't want to be stuck here. I can't be stuck here.

I dwell on these things so much, that everything gets all tangled. Responsible me and daydreamy me are duking this one out, but no one's winning yet. Sometimes, I really wish I could turn off my head.

I meant for today to be a New York post, but that'll have to wait until Monday or Tuesday. My computer at home is trying to kill me with it's slowness. I have no idea what is wrong with it, but I sure can't afford a new one. wamp wamp.

I hope I don't sound whiny or anything in this post, I just honestly dwell on things way to much, and it is nice to put it out there once in a while.

On a completely random note, how great was Glee last night?? So many lines made me laugh hysterically.

"She's the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker."

"Okay. I'm just gonna come out and say it. This is a singing competition. I don't know how those deaf kids got in. They weren't singing, they were like honking and everyone was crying and I was like, "Get off the stage. You're terrible and you're making me super uncomfortable."

"You'll be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club and finding a hairstyle that doesn't look like a lesbian."

Bwahaha. It's like the only show I never miss.

Anyways. This is the last quarter life crisis post I'll write for a while. Back to puppies and travel stories!

1 comment:

carissajaded said...

I'm standing at the crossroads with you. I have come to the point though where I think I'm gonna have to go ahead and take a job that I don't particularly want but with a higher pay and more stress. Although I already have a job I don't love, my current job is non-stressful, allows me time to write and do lots of extra things...

I'm hoping I can still find time to go for my dreams. Let me know when you figure it all out...I wanna cry just thinking about it!

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