Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The big 2-5

So, tomorrow is the day I will officially become old. I thought this last year, and the year before, and the year before that, but I think that this time, the anxiety is a little less in jest, and a little bit more real. Real as in...if I think about it too much I want to have some sort of breakdown. The basis of which would completely be my own doing.

The rational me says, 25 isn't that old, you still have your whole life ahead of you! But another part of me, likes to torment, saying "look at all the stuff you haven't done, the places you haven't seen, the people you haven't met!!". And that little voice is making me want to hide somewhere.

I suppose it's just a number. And I keep telling myself that. But there seems to be a whole lot of baggage that goes along with "being 25" that I don't want to carry.

Today, my boss was like, "how old are you turning? 26?". I almost had a coronary. I got all flushed, and spoke, rushing my words, "no, no 25!! Just 25!" Like that year really matters. Like anybody can tell the difference between a 25-26-27-28-29 year old just by looking at them.

Next year when I turn 26, will I still be this stressed out? Or does it get easier from here on out....once I graduate out of that youth stage, does it become just a number? Will I stop trying to measure my accomplishments by how old I am? Like I'm trying to check things off a predetermined checklist that somebody wrote back in who knows when?

When you are 25 you must:
-have a car
-have a house
-have a good, well paying job
-be getting married soon
-start thinking of names for your children

And etc and so forth with each passing year?

I would like to say "screw you!!" to whoever made that list. Those things are hard enough to accomplish without worrying that I'm in some mad race against time.

I'm trying to chill out about the whole thing. What the hell can I do anyway? It's going to happen no matter if I'm freaking out about it, or just completely chill about the whole thing, so why the worry? That's a good question. But knowing your thoughts are dumb and irrational doesn't necessarily stop the thoughts from happening.

Really, I think I just need to continue taking the baby steps that I have been trying to take, and eventually one day I'll reach all the goals that I've set for myself. Not the predetermined goals society has set, but my own goals, in my own mind, which I will reach in my own time.

Being 25 won't change anything. I"ll still be working towards the same things, I'll just have spent a little bit longer on this earth. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can babystep my way through another 50 or 60 years.

I shouldn't really spend my time dwelling on age, worry about where I should be, yada yada, blah blah blah. As a very wise woman once said, "when your number's up, your number's up". Ain't that the truth. The universe doesn't give a damn how old you are, life just happens. Day after day it goes by, until one day, it doesn't.

I'm going to try to spent my time looking ahead, instead of wasting my time looking behind. I just have to do what I can do while I am here. When it's all said and done, whether I am 27, 56, or 89, I just want to be glad I had a chance to even grab a number in the first place, not worry about the things I didn't get to check off "the list".

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