When I Get Older...

So, my grandma is in a nursing home. She has been living in them for about...five years maybe? I probably don't visit nearly as much as I should, but I really do try. I find it utterly depressing to be in there, and it kind of breaks my heart to go there. Perhaps that is a selfish excuse not to visit more often, but I visit as much as my heart feels like it will allow.

It's not so much her that's depressing, although she does have her moments. It's the whole atmosphere. They try and make it happy, but it doesn't work so well. They have craft shows, and bake sales, and singalongs, but when it comes right down to it, it's still a hospital.

My least favourite part is walking down the long hallway to her room. It smells kinda funny, and there are always people in wheelchairs spread throughout the halls. Some of them say hello or just smile, and some of them call to you for help. "Get me out of here!!" "Why won't you help me!!" "HELP ME!!". Oh god. When they are all in the halls, I practically sprint to her door.

Anyways, yesterday was a visit Grandma day. My grandma has taken to never putting her teeth in anymore, so everything she says comes out in a slight lisp. She is also very hard of hearing, so everything that you say to her, you have to yell. She refuses to wear a hearing aid, but she did recently get this new gadget, that kind of looks like a ipod, but it's purpose it to amplify what everybody says. It makes the visits slightly more enjoyable.

My grandmother has had this obsession for a while about setting me up with the male nurse...Jason, I think his name is. I cringe to think of what she might say to him when I am not actually there. I picture her pointing to the photo of me she has on her dresser and saying something like, "that's her, that's the single one! What do you think?". I"m actually 90% sure that is what happens. I've never met this Jason, and really, I kinda hope I don't now!

Yesterday she was talking about this new tall guy that she saw.

Her: "He was like 6 foot 7."
Me: "wow, that's tall!"
Her: "He was handsome too. Very good looking boy."
Me: "Ummm who is this?"
Her: "The best man. From your cousin's wedding!"
My mother: "Ohhhh, you saw him in a picture"
Her: "Yeah, yup, the wedding pictures, I saw him"
My father: "Yeah, we brought them and showed them to you."
Her: "well, that's where I saw him then!"
My mother: "Yeah. He's already married"
Me: "Yes. How unfortunate".

This conversations tends to repeat itself in many variations during every visit.

My favourite part of the visit though (while simultaneously the most horrifying) was when we were leaving, and she was asking me about my job.

Her: "So, how's the job"
Me: "Oh it's good, it'll do for now. At least until I finish my novel."
Her: "You're what?"
Me: "My novel!"
Her: "Ohhhhh. Is it sexy???"
Me: horrified.

Also, "sexy" sounded more like "sesy" because she had no teeth in. I don't think I'll ever be able to erase that moment from my memory. No matter how hard I try.